I haven’t had a normal nights’ sleep in at least a week. My body hurts, I can’t get comfortable. My mind is racing with thoughts. I don’t know what happened on Tuesday, but I could literally feel something in my brain, in my body telling me that it's time to do something different.
I feel like I’m in the ocean trying to swim to shore, but the harder I swim, the stronger the undertow pulls me further into the sea. The last thing I want to do is drag other people under the water with me.
This didn’t just come on overnight. I’ve been feeling this way since before the pandemic. Things just never got better. I switched positions, I moved regions. I worry something is wrong with me because this was supposed to be my dream job and I am dreading going. I look at my week and find the day/activity that I dread the most and tell myself, “if I can get through that day, then I will survive the rest of the week.” What I’ve come to realize today, is that 1) I am burned out, which in and of itself is difficult to admit for someone who thought they were doing good self care. I did all the things: read books, went for walks, engaged in hobbies, spent time with friends/family, got monthly massages, yoga, had cuddle time with pets…The problem with self care is that you can’t self care your way out of systemic issues…and self-care inherently puts blame on the individual for their own burnout rather than the system taking accountability for processes, policies and procedures that don’t serve and support employees and 2) it's not that this isn’t or wasn’t my dream job…it's just time to dream new dreams.
I don’t have to have it all figured out. I wonder if by not just letting go, it's holding me back from figuring out the next literal and figurative chapter. If I always have a back up plan, then I’m preparing to fail, but if I only have plan A then failure isn’t an option.
I have fears that I will be letting people down if I move on. Change is hard. Change is scary. Change can also be exhilarating, uplifting and momentum for becoming unstuck.
I’m worried that I’m in a place where I can’t see things for how they really are but clouded by my cynicism. I’m supposed to be the one uplifting others, reframing difficult situations, painting silverlinings on rain clouds…not the one who is drowning. It’s time I gave the gifts to myself I have given to others. I need to reframe: It's not admitting defeat, it's not failure. It was a career well done and now it's time to put a period at the end of the sentence and start a new paragraph.
I found a life raft. I’m going to climb up on it. I don’t know if it will take me to shore, but at least I won’t still be drowning…
Opmerkingen